Sexless Marriage Origin Stories

A dear friend of mine, let's call her Sheena (not her real name), called me up the other day in tears. "Hey Ada," she said, her voice shaking, "I can't handle this anymore. I'm thinking about leaving Raef."

I was completely taken aback. Sheena and Raefel were our local ‘Instagram perfect’ couple. They seemed to have everything going for them, so what could be the problem?

Trying to be as supportive as possible, I asked her, "What's really going on? Did he cheat? Did you discover something?"

"No," Sheena replied. "He hasn't done anything out of the ordinary. But we haven't been intimate since 2019."

"Wow," I exclaimed, unable to articulate my surprise without making Sheena feel like she’d made a mistake confiding in me. I had never guessed that the couple who used to have a reputation for not being able to keep their hands off each other 16 years ago was now on the verge of a breakup… for the same reason why I had once envied them - intimacy.

Lack of sexual intimacy between partners is a ginormous problem. If this strikes a chord with you, read on. In today’s newsletter, you’ll find…

• Quick bedroom killer stats

• 3 sexless marriage origin stories

• Tips on how to avoid a sexless marriage (from experts)

• Challenge time

• New Texas law that may affect some partnerships

🥀Bedroom Killer Stats

Sheena's experience is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the issues of sexless unions.

Approximately 7.8K people search for the term “sexless marriage” each month, and of that number, 1.7K want to know when to walk away. 

In fact, there's a whole subreddit - r/DeadBedrooms - dedicated to the topic (subscriber count: 455K). The truth is that sexlessness is a serious threat to promising relationships. 

And digging deeper into the inner workings of these relationships reveals a pattern of red flags. These curated stories show the red flags (in pink) that should have signaled the beginnings of a sexless union. 

💜 Sexless Marriage Origin Story #1: Zero foreplay + Intimate injuries = Dead Bedroom

💛 Sexless Marriage Origin Story #2: Frequency of sex declines… and declines… to zero = DB

The common thread running through these relationships is in both cases, romance is on auto-pilot and intentional intimacy is low on the priority list. It’s worth pointing out that while the cases above feature heterosexual relationships, sexless unions do not follow the same path in all relationships. 

But there will be signs. 

• Having to beg for sex

• Excessive porn consumption

• Difficulty getting undressed in front of each other

• Inability to discuss sex

• ….among others

🫷 DB-proofing your relationship

If you don’t fancy dealing with a dead bedroom ever, here are a few tips for avoiding it like the plague:

🌭 🦪 Maintain a healthy lifestyle. Eat healthy, work out, and take routine tests to ensure that everything works as it should. Dr. Sheryl Kingsberg suggests that erectile dysfunction, diabetes, and alcohol addiction, among other treatable conditions, can lead to low libido - and by now, we know how that ends up.

❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥  For high-libido partners, Dr. Wyatt Fisher suggests courting your partner, just like you did in the beginning. Your low libido partner might have welcomed sex at the beginning because you were courting them and making them feel special. You can’t change your behaviour and not expect a change in their behaviour. 

💐💌 Courting your partner, according to The McKay’s, can start with a simple “I love you”. Today. Now. Don’t expect them to already know you love them through the hours you spend providing… say it to them, just like you did in the beginning. 

👩‍⚕️👨🏿‍⚕️ Swallow your pride and speak to a professional. Dr. Justin Lehmiller suggests speaking to a certified sex and relationship therapist to work through other causes of your intimacy problems. 

Here’s a great example of how one couple incorporated some of these elements to fix their marital sexlessness:

🔄 Challenge time

Today is a good day to remind your partner that you love them. And you don’t even need a huge gesture - a simple “I love you” will do. If they speak a different mother tongue, seize your opportunity to shine.

Use Google Translate to learn the phrase in 10 seconds or less. Speaking directly to your partner’s sense of historical intimacy and safety is one way to move your relationship further away from turning into a sexless marriage. 

📻 So, what’s new in the world?

If you've recently relocated to Texas for love, there's something you should know. Thanks to the courts, the "Show Us Your Papers" law has been put on hold. The law gives enforcement officials the power to stop anyone they suspect of being in the country illegally. If they can prove that the individual isn't legally in the US, they may have to leave the state or even face imprisonment.

I just wanted to give you a friendly heads up, so you can stay safe and avoid any trouble. If you ever need any help or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to 

Best, Ada